Candidates Respond to CIA Meth Scandal

LANGLEY, VA. -- CIA spokesman David Vaughn announced today that the Agency had attempted to leak methamphetamines into all of the candidate pools at the beginning of June. This announcement follows months of erratic behavior, policy shifts and increased spending from all of the presidential candidates.

“We were all just chilling in Foggy Bottom one day,” Vaughn said, “And one of our deep cover agents had just gotten out of debrief. Was it Heroic Lynx? I think it was…man I don’t remember. Anyways, he brought some of this stuff and bam, we wake up a week later on the roof of the Pentagon with no socks. Later [CIA Director Mike ] McConnell was all like, ‘Dude, you know who could really use this stuff? The candidates.’”

“The agency plans to apologize some day,” Vaughn concluded. “Honest.”

Details of this operation were made pubic in a report released by the CIA. Titled E3P (gaining the nickname ‘the EEEP report’), it outlined the CIA’s attempt to coerce Democratic and Republican candidates to spread meth across the Northeast. The operation details that the attempt to distribute failed. According to the report, “…one candidate on the Democratic side and another on the Republican side seemed amenable to the idea.” The report also fails to describe any clear reasons why the CIA made the attempt. This report provoked anger from all sides of the political spectrum.

“This is outrageous,” a spokesman from the Barack Obama campaign said. “How can this administration’s agents spread lies and slander and lies like this? Yes, Mr. Obama was approached. He had the experience to say no. We didn’t know it was the CIA at the time. When this candidate gets elected expect some changes.”

The Edwards’ campaign decried the report as, “conspiracy-mongering.” All of the Democratic campaigns put out similar statements. The Clinton statement came a few hours later than the rest though. While it also denounced the CIA’s plan, this delay coupled with Clinton’s high earnings this quarter has led to rampant insider speculation.

“I’m not accusing anyone of anything,” said a prominent Democratic Party figure, on the condition of anonymity. “She’s a pragmatist. What’s more, people don’t look at her and think, ‘hey we should really give that lady some money.’ That’s all I’m saying.”

The E3P report caused even more trouble in Republican circles.

“What? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, Mitt Romney has never had any dealings with the CIA or drugs or anything not related to pleasing the voters,” said a Romney spokesman with darting eyes and pursed lips. “Ever.”

The most eloquent response has come from the Giuliani camp. “This is the worst failure of intelligence since Sept. 11. At least then we knew who the enemy was. How are we supposed to rebuild the national sense of unity and trust after this?” Giuliani was strident. “I know. Elect me and I’ll show you.”

Critics have been swift to attack the CIA for its lack of transparency. Many have wondered when the CIA is going to explain its reasoning at all. “Leave it to the CIA to first botch the job then botch the press release,” said Assistant Director Robert Harry of the National Security Agency. “They should leave the entrapment to us. We would have waited at least a decade or two before telling anyone.”