Chaos in the Biden Campaign!

HANOVER, N.H. – In an announcement three days ago, Democratic presidential contender Joseph Biden (D-Del.) said he would divide himself into three. Biden claimed that this would allow his campaign to focus more readily on the three crucial voting regions in the United States.

“For too many months now,” Biden said at his conference, “politicians have abused their power. They have not done what America has demanded. We want an end to the sectarian rhetoric that these primaries have created. This country is on the verge of thinking about falling apart.”

Biden spoke over the theme of 2001: A Space Odyssey, “Today, I will begin my plan to heal America. I will partition myself into three distinct parts.”

Biden then disappeared with a puff of smoke.

The senator’s campaign fell into feuding factions almost immediately. Biden campaign manager, Luis Navarro, swiftly consolidated the campaign offices in New England and the Midwest; the areas considered crucial to success in the primaries.

Political Director Danny O’Brien took over most of the Southern and Plains states' offices.

Communications Director Larry Rasky found a warm welcome on the West Coast. All three senior staff members claimed that they were, “Best upholding Joe Biden’s vision of America.”

Campaigning resumed the next day. All three of the senior staff made public appearances, but they all refused to give direct answers about Biden’s return.

“It’s imminent, okay?” Navarro said at stump speech in Nashua. “When he comes back America will be changed forever. In the meantime, it's not enough to just sit around and wait. We have to emulate what the politician would do. Would he approve of this message? Yes.”

O'Brien was even more positive in Tampa Bay.

"We're finally bringing real democracy to the Democrats. We're building a campaign without a candidate. That's something ... that's something only Biden can offer. He has so much experience. Too much to be here, in person."

Rasky released a general statement saying, “If Joe Biden comes back, of course we’ll support him. He’s Joseph Biden, Jr. Who wouldn’t support him?”

Despite Rasky’s statements to the contrary, both O’Brien and Navarro camps have expressed a quiet fear that Rasky might go his own way when Biden returns.

“Larry has always been sort of a do-it-yourself kind of guy. The West Coast has always been a bit more self-contained. It’s a little odder out there,” whispered a Navarro aide who refused to be named. “They vote while wearing flip-flops. Weird.”

On the second day of Biden’s absence, his poll ratings doubled from two percent to four percent. Biden tapped into a voting bloc renowned for its apathy; survivalists.

“Who you going to trust when it all goes to hell? Family and friends? They’re unprepared. They're dead. Yourself, yourself is all you can trust. More of yourself is better,” said John Johnson, a 41-year old Montana resident. “Government’s finally doing something for the common man.”

Many of those who supported Biden began to feel nervous, but almost all remained faithful. Amanda Hughes, a 28-year old Delaware resident who is also a lifelong Biden voter said, “He knows what he’s doing. He has a lot of experience. I can always vote for [Alan] Keyes too. He's a Dem, right?”

The third day was characterized by O’Brien as “tense.” The three campaigns had begun to quarrel of what the campaign slogan would be after his return. The Navarro camp preferred “America for Biden.” The O’Brien camp wanted “Biden for America.” The Rasky camp wanted an American flag with 45 stars. Violence was on the rise in the campaign; 14 separate keyings had occurred in Des Monies, Atlanta and Seattle.

Biden reappeared in Nashua at 9 p.m. EST.

“My fellow Americans,” he said at a hastily erected podium, “America has been changed forever. My non-binding resolution for a partition of Iraq overwhelmingly passed the Senate. This Arabian nightmare is safely behind us.”

When asked what he had been doing for the last three days, Biden replied. “Well, I’ll tell you I did divide myself into three. But a Senate bylaw from 1897 prevented me from co-sponsoring my own legislation. In the spirit of bi-partisanship, Sam [Brownback] offered to author the resolution. I re-absorbed my selves and I am whole again."

When asked about the current state of his campaigns, Biden seemed surprised.

"Wait, what? This was supposed to be a soft-partition. They weren't going to run for president separately. It was always all me."

He added, “I’m just looking forward to pretending this never happened and acting like it has no bearing to my character.”