Dear John (McCain, that is)

Dear Mr. McCain,

You are not sexy.

I wish to make it known that I speak not on behalf of my own personal preferences, but rather on behalf of America. You see, Mr. McCain, while your toothy smile and flag-waving ways may have been enough to woo her in her younger, more idealistic years, America just isn’t that kind of a girl anymore. In fact, she isn’t a girl anymore, she’s a woman; a woman who drinks champagne and cosmos, who prefers the club to the club sodas at the malt shop, and who may subscribe to AARP, but chooses to cover the retiree bible with her latest edition of People. Leave It To Beaver? Leave it alone, she prefers The Office, and should you think to write her a letter, you’d be better advised to post on her wall.

You see, Mr. McCain, she’s grown quite tired of all her suitors. Year after year they throw themselves at her feet, selling her hope all wrapped up with a smile and a flag, and singing her endless praises. Yet, though you all claim to believe in the ideas she holds so dear, so few of you seem to be in touch with what these ideas actually are. Your posters show you standing on red, white and blue-bedecked stages, with your visible legions of adoring fans cheering madly as you speak. Oh, you say you love her flag and that you’re her number one fan, but senator, America is not amnesic; she has been told this time and time again, by you and by the all the rest. Is there nothing more to her than her three favorite colors?

She steals jealous glances at France, whose suitors wooed her with bold, artistic overtures and acknowledged her lust for the artistic and avant garde. Being moral is boring, senator, sexy is what sets the standard nowadays. Now, lest you rush to schedule a photo shoot with you wrapped up in a flag, a smile and nothing else, she feels obligated to clarify her position. “Sexy” isn’t sex; it’s being confident enough to market yourself as serious, rather than charming; as artistic, rather than patriotic; edgy, rather than “safe for America.” It’s not being afraid to use pictures more worthy of a Vogue spread than an Iowa corner store, and to embrace something beyond the usual “Stars & Stripes and Ovaltine” approach with which she is so familiar.

America is a lady, and being so disposed, she feels obligated to inform you that a few sexy suitors have caught her eye. Who is in her little black book of favorites, you ask? Well, she simply delights in viewing the campaign videos of a few choice candidates. Sen. Obama is a marvel to watch, thanks to — in her opinion — some cinematic derring-do. Those angles! Those camera pans! It’s enough to drive an undecided heart into a voting booth. And Hillary? Oh yes, senator, she thinks Hillary is quite sexy — she swings both ways, nowadays, don’t you know? — and who wouldn’t with those energetic and uplifting spots? Gov. Romney is far and away her favorite; the man positively oozes that casually confident businessman image that’s all the rage suddenly. And speaking of the governor, she thinks Mitt’s campaign blog is the sort of dish she ought to be getting from a candidate. And who better to feed her zest for gossip than the governor’s five sons?

Her appetite, Senator McCain, for this sort advertising has been whetted by Cosmo, Sports Illustrated and Rolling Stone. She wants to like you, she really does, but if ever you are to persuade her that you are different, that you can tickle her itch for something a bit more daring, then please, she entreats you, stop acting so nice all of the time. Why should she content herself with Mr. Bingley, when what she really wants is for Mr. Darcy to be her escort? Put your pride and your prejudice aside, Mr. McCain, and take your cues from these magazines and the fashion industry. You’re really not all that different, you both sell an idea and a product, it’s just that you happen to be a little less successful at it than they.

You are lucky, senator, in that America believes in second, and even third, chances. She may be a fickle mistress, but if you want to make her yours then you had better start giving her what she wants.

No, Mr. McCain, you are not sexy, but you can change. And you had better hurry up, because she already has.