Fred Thompson Wins High School Debate Tournament

WALLA WALLA, WASH.—Presidential candidate and lovable man-hunk Sen. Fred Thompson (R-Tenn.) won the Winter Classic debate tournament at Whitman High School this past weekend. The three-day contest ended the month-long camp for high school students interested in forensics. Thompson was too busy to attend the full camp.

Despite objections, Camp Director Tim Jenson was unable to keep Thompson out.

“Thompson called me personally and demanded I let him compete. I insisted that this was for camp members only, but he had already formed an exploratory committee,” Jenson said. “That’s power you can’t argue with.”

When told of the camp director's sentiments, Mark Corallo, the Thompson campaign spokesman, said, “That’s exactly the effect we want. Fred Thompson is a political hurricane, a flash flood of statesmanship. He can, and will, beat anybody. We just wanted to make sure that he first stuck it to those who couldn’t vote.”

When the town of Walla Walla learned that Thompson would arrive that weekend, there was a huge turnout. Thompson, sure of his victory, went to meet the crowd instead of competing in his first six rounds.

“It was the most amazing rally I’ve ever been to,” said Lori Spacen, a 31-year-old Walla Walla resident and mother. “Some candidates kiss babies and shake hands. Not our Freddie! He arm-wrestled all of his constituents and then juggled babies for an hour!”

Spacen added with a smile, “I’ve never wanted to vote so badly before.”

Thompson showed up for his quarter-, semi-final and final rounds. He debated the resolution, “An oppressive government is better than no government.” Campers who faced Thompson were impressed by his gravitas and charisma, though none remembered any details of his arguments.

“Something about … gun rights?” 16-year-old, Cody Harrington said. “Before the round started, he gave each judge a cigar and lit one for himself. ‘Son,’ he said, ‘I’m a winner, see? You understand that, don’t cha?’ I didn’t say anything, but the judges nodded. Then he just left.”

Harrington lost in a split decision.

“I spent weeks on my case. I used Webster’s dictionary like all my peers. I used the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. I even borrowed a copy of Blackstone’s Law Dictionary from the library. How did he win?”

Thompson’s semi-final round may explain the victory. Vikki Andersson, 17, was supposed to face the distinguished senator. When he entered the room, Andersson asked Thompson if he was the star of Monk.

“The judges burst out laughing,” she said. “Thompson said a few lines from Law and Order and they all went crazy.”

Andersson left the room in tears, forfeiting the round.

Thompson’s last round is already a legend in these parts

“He napped through his opponent’s case,” Mark Cote, a judge in the final round said. “His crossfire round was a series of snores. But when it came time to present his case, he stood up, flipped open his laptop and played a one minute Youtube clip.”

The clip showed pictures of Ronald Reagan fading into pictures of Thompson, whose picture then faded out into one simple word: federalism.

“I’ll never vote Democrat again,” Cote said. “I can’t.”

At the awards ceremony, Thompson made some brief, prepared remarks. “I just wanted to thank all of my opponents and constituents for a wonderful tournament. I couldn’t have done it without you, or without my presidential demeanor and trademark style.”

Thompson has not been seen since. His itinerary places him at the Nashville County Fair, ready to enter the Berry-Good Jam-Off. Aides are certain that Thompson will be able to nab a blue ribbon, or at least show how much he has in common with the average American.

“Anything to help the resume,” Corallo said.