The Next President's Attorney General Short-list

When embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales finally decided to resign from his post (and thereby devote his billable hours to his family), speculation immediately arose over who would take Gonzo’s spot as the nation’s top prosecutor. Federal District Court Judge Michael Mukasey has filled Gonzales' spot, but Scoop08 Satire has exclusive information (and odds) about the other leading contenders, a short-list should a Republican win in ‘08 and pick the next attorney general.

Michael Chertoff (2:1) - Many reports have named this secretary of Homeland Security a potential candidate. Chertoff has experience as a prosecutor, having served as an assistant U.S. attorney alongside Rudy Giuliani in the late 1980s. Chertoff eventually became the U.S. attorney from New Jersey where he notably failed to eradicate the scourges that plagued the state, including organized crime, pollution, and Bon Jovi.

PROS: Has headed the Homeland Security Department during a period where several major plots were thwarted and no terrorist attacks occurred on the U.S. mainland.

CONS: Has listened to your phone conversations, watched over your trip to the grocery store this morning.

John Ashcroft (10:1) - A seasoned veteran of the office, this former senator and former attorney general wiretapped you and me before it was en vogue. Ashcroft also turned heads in 2000 with the unique distinction of losing his senatorial seat to Mel Carnahan’s corpse.

When entering a new term of elected office, Ashcroft saw it fit to be anointed with cooking oil in a fashion similar to biblical kings, according to his memoir, and was doused by Clarence Thomas upon his nomination in 2001. It is said that Ashcroft has a bathtub filled with Crisco all ready in his old office should he receive the U.S. attorney general position.

PROS: Fine singer; has penned the song “Let the Eagle Soar;” founded the barbershop quartet known as the Singing Senators.

CONS: Is old; the whole oil thing.

Larry Craig (100:1) – Was it Craig or wasn’t it? In an incident that has transformed into one of those “I knew him before he was infamous” stories,” I recall the time I saw this senator, or his more musical twin, in the Senate bathroom earlier this year. This gentleman was tapping his right foot in a rhythm consistent with one of the Singing Senators’ greatest hits.

I took out my reporter’s notebook in hope to snag an exclusive peek into the singing group’s inner workings or perhaps to discover an upcoming single on par with “Let the Eagle Soar,” but the gentleman instantly explained that his tapping was a nervous tic and that he was not gay, nor has he ever been gay.

PROS: Another vocalist of extraordinary renown; attempted to renew USA PATRIOT Act; on the board of directors of the NRA.

CONS: In 1982, Craig was implicated in reports that stated he had both used cocaine and had sex with teenage male pages, accusations he has vehemently denied. There aren’t any other blemishes on that résumé, apart from no real experience with the judicial system.

David Petraeus (150:1) - General Petraeus has won a ledger of medals and currently commands the U.S. forces in Iraq. Petraeus has overseen Bush’s troop surge plan and is widely regarded as one of the most capable military minds in recent history.

“Once a general, always a general,” said President Bush.

PROS: Impeccable references; won the George C. Marshall Award as the top graduate of his class at U.S. Army Command and General Staff College; holds an MPA and Ph.D. from Princeton University.

CONS: Faces stiff competition from Surgeon General Kenneth Moritsugu, Postmaster General John Potter and Solicitor General Paul Clement, all generals themselves.

Mike Nifong (300:1) - The former district attorney from Durham County, North Carolina; has a wealth of invaluable legal experience, having served the Durham district attorney’s office faithfully from 1979 until midway through this year until he resigned, ostensibly to prepare as much as possible to succeed Gonzales.

PROS: Would bring an unmatched zealotry for faux charges to the office; always fond of reaching out to minority voters.

CONS: Is disbarred; a Democrat.

Alberto Gonzales (1000:1) - After considering the other options outlined here, does an unabashed yes-man whose hobbies include dismissing U.S. attorneys for their politics and perjuring himself before Congress really look all that bad? I think not.

PROS: Plenty of job experience.

CONS: Faces potential minor issues getting confirmed by Congress.